Another chilled day! Not a hundred percent sure what's going on with me at the moment - I seem to have found myself in a state of gentle chilled-ness. I'm almost feeling calm. Happy even. Well maybe not happy but not permanently pissed off with something or someone.
The whole, or rather, the main reason for starting this blog was as an outlet for the rage. The pressure valve - the safety net - the sponge to soak up my vitriol.
So has the simple act of starting this taken away my angst or have I replaced my rage with creative (and I'm using that word in it's loosest sense) thought. Probably not. I'm pretty sure its got more to do with the anti-depressants I've been given to help with the pain. Apparently it's common practice to prescribe them to alleviate pain. The pain's still pretty bad but I'm sleeping much better and I don't seem to be so down about feeling the pain...yeah, go figure!
Anyhows, I digress, where was I?
So, yeah. I had another Zen day today. Started off with an amble round a farmer's market; they seem to take all the urgency out of the day. They set a different - a slower pace and somehow everything becomes calmer. I noticed how people took the time to smile in passing, I even exchanged a few words with total strangers - simple acknowledgements that we were in the same zone. All very.. I have no word. It was just really really nice (please don't hit me english teacher!*)
I'm not normally a people person. No one I know would ever accuse me of being a people person. I try and avoid contact with people at all costs. I have to work with people and I'm ok with that, occasionally in the past I have gotten to know people through the simple longevity of an assignment or post that I have developed a friendship. These people understand I am not a people person. These people also know in order to maintain the friendship they will have to do all the work and accept that in return they get nothing more than me - they either accept this or move on; sometimes I may notice. I have family and do my duty when required. Close family seem to forgive me my distance and know I love them in my own way. They know if needed I'm there.
So when I say I exchanged words with strangers it's not a statement to be taken lightly or easily dismissed. It's on the same level as I swam the channel in a bear suit. It has significance. It needs to be acknowledged as something out of the ordinary - a significant change in behaviour. Not only did I exchange words with complete strangers I took time out to enjoy the entertainment.
I'm not sure how to convey the gravity this statement also has - the entertainment involved children and children are like people but worse. Most people accept that I'm not totally abnormal for not liking people at face value but tell someone that you don't like children and you may as well have just grated the face of a bunny rabbit whilst jumping up and down on a puppy dog. I really really don't do kids. My kids will be the first to back me up on this statement. They never heard about baa baa lambs and bunny wunnies, coochie choochie woo and ooos a good widdle baby wen never passed their eardrums. And while it may have resulted in an exceptionally advance vocabulary for their ages I don't think they came out of it too damaged or traumatised.
Where was I? Yeah, so I'm talking to complete strangers and watching kids do cute (probably - I have no references to benchmark against) things and then, to top it all off I start initiating conversations! Those polite 'I'm really terribly interested' sort of conversations that I used to turn my nose up at, shun or snigger at as being pointless and meaningless but here I am getting a bit of a buzz from it!
I obviously need time to process all this and understand what it means and how I actually feel about it. I also need to write an email to a stall holder who's asked if I'd take some photo's of her produce (jewellery not eggs or cheese or something else you'd expect to find at a farmers market) which, and I'm not sure how, I agreed to do.
However, before all that I need to embrace my classicist-ness, mourn romanticism and figure out what it actually means.
Baby steps.
*see later post, if I ever get round to it, re the reason my English sucks (apart from just being crap at English)
The whole, or rather, the main reason for starting this blog was as an outlet for the rage. The pressure valve - the safety net - the sponge to soak up my vitriol.
So has the simple act of starting this taken away my angst or have I replaced my rage with creative (and I'm using that word in it's loosest sense) thought. Probably not. I'm pretty sure its got more to do with the anti-depressants I've been given to help with the pain. Apparently it's common practice to prescribe them to alleviate pain. The pain's still pretty bad but I'm sleeping much better and I don't seem to be so down about feeling the pain...yeah, go figure!
Anyhows, I digress, where was I?
So, yeah. I had another Zen day today. Started off with an amble round a farmer's market; they seem to take all the urgency out of the day. They set a different - a slower pace and somehow everything becomes calmer. I noticed how people took the time to smile in passing, I even exchanged a few words with total strangers - simple acknowledgements that we were in the same zone. All very.. I have no word. It was just really really nice (please don't hit me english teacher!*)
I'm not normally a people person. No one I know would ever accuse me of being a people person. I try and avoid contact with people at all costs. I have to work with people and I'm ok with that, occasionally in the past I have gotten to know people through the simple longevity of an assignment or post that I have developed a friendship. These people understand I am not a people person. These people also know in order to maintain the friendship they will have to do all the work and accept that in return they get nothing more than me - they either accept this or move on; sometimes I may notice. I have family and do my duty when required. Close family seem to forgive me my distance and know I love them in my own way. They know if needed I'm there.
So when I say I exchanged words with strangers it's not a statement to be taken lightly or easily dismissed. It's on the same level as I swam the channel in a bear suit. It has significance. It needs to be acknowledged as something out of the ordinary - a significant change in behaviour. Not only did I exchange words with complete strangers I took time out to enjoy the entertainment.
I'm not sure how to convey the gravity this statement also has - the entertainment involved children and children are like people but worse. Most people accept that I'm not totally abnormal for not liking people at face value but tell someone that you don't like children and you may as well have just grated the face of a bunny rabbit whilst jumping up and down on a puppy dog. I really really don't do kids. My kids will be the first to back me up on this statement. They never heard about baa baa lambs and bunny wunnies, coochie choochie woo and ooos a good widdle baby wen never passed their eardrums. And while it may have resulted in an exceptionally advance vocabulary for their ages I don't think they came out of it too damaged or traumatised.
Where was I? Yeah, so I'm talking to complete strangers and watching kids do cute (probably - I have no references to benchmark against) things and then, to top it all off I start initiating conversations! Those polite 'I'm really terribly interested' sort of conversations that I used to turn my nose up at, shun or snigger at as being pointless and meaningless but here I am getting a bit of a buzz from it!
I obviously need time to process all this and understand what it means and how I actually feel about it. I also need to write an email to a stall holder who's asked if I'd take some photo's of her produce (jewellery not eggs or cheese or something else you'd expect to find at a farmers market) which, and I'm not sure how, I agreed to do.
However, before all that I need to embrace my classicist-ness, mourn romanticism and figure out what it actually means.
Baby steps.
*see later post, if I ever get round to it, re the reason my English sucks (apart from just being crap at English)
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